I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Randomize
