i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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