My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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