Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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