Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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