If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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