Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize