just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
