I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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