So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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