love makes seman taste better
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That accounts for only three of the penises
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
