she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
