i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
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She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize