were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
