Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
