i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
