Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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