I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
