Don't make out with my wife yet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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