On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
