cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
