It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
