I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
