last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
