if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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