You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
