i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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