I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
