I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
