I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
