plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
