dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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