No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
