I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
