her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
