I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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