Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
