and i looked up. we had an audience...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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