the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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