end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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