so explain again why im purple
no
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
