Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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