legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The uberlube is also flammable
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
