Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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