a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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