The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
