I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
