When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
