i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
