My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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