yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
