so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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